Scribbles Of Heart

I’m getting tired of being the one

Who reaches out

Who makes decisions

Who questions herself

Who stretches out to accommodate

Who reaches beyond to understand

Who takes accountability primarily

Who starts conversations

Who ends problems

Yet I know that so long as I exist

These things that tire me will remain on me

There’s no one who will take it upon themselves

There is no reprieve for me

I’ve proven myself too competent

Therefore I’ll never get a break

Till my mind or body has been broken

Then they’ll mourn my joy

Although no one ever preoccupied themselves

With being the one for me

PF

You would have been 24 this year

With five more years full of opportunities yet

Who knows how happy you would be

You could have faced the common 20’s woes

Thinking what you’ve done in life so far

Instead it’s left to those who loved you

To wonder what you could have done

Watching your birthday come and go feels muddy

I wish you the best but I can’t help but feel

A return to sender notice in response

I’d like to think you’re at peace

Yet whose to say you feel anything at all

Perhaps that’s the way you would’ve liked it

Deductive reasoning would persuade as such

Seems such an option didn’t frighten you much

But if you watch over us like the little ants we are

I wonder if what we do makes you proud

Or if it makes you laugh hysterically

As if its an inside joke amongst the dead

That all the living do is either in vain or pointless

I’d like to think though, your happy with my life

That your living through me and others somehow

That this version of existence is better for you

That your at peace with how your soul exists

And if you simply no longer exist

At least I know you live in my memories

Forever 19

Forever beautiful

Forever sadly sweet

-PA

The hardest part of breaking your heart was

How much you trusted me not to

I hate that the part of our time I miss most was

How much conviction you had in loving me

It’s easy to remember and hard to admit

How much I loved how hard you fought for me

I’ll always be sorry I never caught up to you

I’ll always cherish how special you made me feel

I’ll always be sure I did the right thing because

I could never love you like you deserve

As much as it pains me to know I hurt you

I just hope that when you think of me now

You have the kind of love that makes you grateful

I let you go to have more than I had to give

I know without doubt that had I held onto you

You would be with me till the end

In that way

You will always make me feel loved

-PA

I let go of the addictive illusion

That a sip or hit of anything could soften the day

That it doesn’t matter anyways

That it doesn’t all add up

My days have been stable without a crutch

Although I tire the same

And procrastinate just as much

I do so with less pain

Knowing that what holds me back today

Is simply being human

-PA

Today I see the point in guarding ones health

Today I want to evolve my inner peace

Today I find myself more willing to do the work

Today I fully admit that I have been avoiding today

We’ll see what tomorrow brings

But I hope it’s influenced by today

-PA

What a misfortune it is

To love people

Who make you feel like nothing

Who make you feel worthless

Who make self love impossible

So long as you love them

-PA

The dissonance in self

And the distance it takes

To wish it all away

Strikes too close

Too often

-PA

I’ll let my eyes glaze over

My soul tuck back into its dark covers

My mind engage in strategy

I’ll find another way

I just have to do it alone

As I do most things

-PA